|
|
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
| |
11:53 am - random dream that i had time to put down.
|
had this dream this morning that i'm in an apartment...and i'm waiting for someone...i'm at his computer looking at AIM and i see cory's online and see that this 'tracker' option shows that he's 1 mile away. and ithink about IM'ing him. and then the guy i've been waiting for walks in the door. i forget all about AIM. he puts his stuff on the bed and then we talk and i feel sad about something, and he hugs me and tells me "i'm sorry, i know i'm a loser, but i have to go right now. i'll be back later." and then he kisses me and and leaves. and the thing about it...is that his face and body are SO familiar...but i can't place it!
it was one of those dreams...where i wish i was back in bed. and nothing really happened in it. i guess i just really want to see his face again.
i wish i could remember who he reminds me of!
current mood:  anxious
current music: Hot Hot Heat ~ Bandages
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
| |
11:36 pm - summer dreams
|
everything reminds me of him. whenever i go to bed, he's what i think of. when i wake up...guess who i wish was holding me.
why is it that i obsess over him? why him? why can't i get him off my heart?
i'm tired of wanting him when i can't have him.
i want him. i wouldn't be so tired of it if he wanted me back.
doctor tomorrow. i wish being sick would make me lose weight.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Taking Back Sunday ~ Summer Stars
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, January 7th, 2006
| |
6:24 pm - more alike than i thought
|
so i read ross' blog on myspace. and i realized that we're more alike than i thought. we're always told how different we are from eachother. but i read his blog...and found that we're both longing for the same things.
love. distractions. honest friends in our life. for things to turn out right.
my cousin erik proposed to his girlfriends over the summer. and now my other cousin sammy proposed to his girlfriend over christmas. so now ross and i are the only ones without ANY relationships. sad...
current mood:  cold
current music: Remember Maine ~ Eastbound Traffic
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, November 18th, 2005
| |
10:29 pm - when i need a friend...i've got none.
|
so wednesday. at 230. my grandpa died. where was i? not with him. i was taking my history exam.
if there is a god, like what some of my friends tell me, this makes me disbelieve everything. GOD WOULD NOT DO THIS. so there. fuck that. i'm blitter and sad and i can't do anything but cry.
current mood:  sad
current music: Peter Murphy ~ Fall With Your Knife
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, November 13th, 2005
| |
11:32 pm - bayside is for haters
|
how many times am i going to be let down by these friends here?
i'm tired of it. i CONSTANTLY feel like i'm out of place. and unwanted. and no one cares. and they just are too concerned with themselves to even care about someone else.
honestly...that's not how friends should be.
i'm sick of feel like this.
i need to make new friends. friends that can actually care enough to call and invite someone else. even it's as stupid as a mall trip.
So this brings us to the backup of my plan.
Maybe I'll just have to strangle you with my bare hands.
Then you'll have to adhere to my demands
and occupy a shallow grave, as shallow as you are.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: The Mountain Goats ~ No Children
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, November 6th, 2005
| |
3:48 pm - know your fucking role
|
man...these past two days were so crazy. delaware trip. man...i'm glad it over with. but this week is going to kill me. i've got like 3 exams. 2 on wednesday i believe. but luckily no classes friday, and tomorrow no band. so that's a relief.
i've got TONS of cleaning to do though. this place is a mess. a mess.
i'm addicted to death cab for cutie again.
don't know why.
current mood:  complacent
current music: Death Cab for Cutie ~ I Will Follow You into the Dark
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, November 4th, 2005
| |
12:35 am - game over
|
man tomorrow's delaware. what a weekend this will be. i dont like going on band trips. i feel uncomfortable and and frustrated the whole time. more so than when i'm not on band trips...
any way. i'm nervous i wont wake up in themorning. i have to do papers too...and shower...and finish up packing...
went and saw saw 2 tonight. the last like 20 minutes...i was TOTALLY on the edge of my seat, bouncing my legs, with my hands on the top of my head. for real. ask sean.
my phone's charging...and i don't want to pull it off it's thing. but i need to have it by my bed...
what a complex.
you know what...on another note...i need to make a few decisions in my life...and meet new people.
current mood:  rushed
current music: TV WICKED LOUD! (not me)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, October 27th, 2005
| |
7:46 pm - my broken house behind me, and good things ahead
|
alrighty. so my halloween costume, i think it's gonna work out ok. i'm going to be the 'guinness girl' but because guinness doesn't have a girl, i'm just being an irish bar wench. so it works out. in a way. it's an excuse to drink guinness and have my boobs out. well...not totally out, cause that's be weird, but to have a low cut shirt showing my bra, and pin up my skirt a bit to show some leg. that's right.
dj mailed my magenta costume today. so i SHOULD have it for monday! ROCKY HORROR BABY!!!!!! hell yeah. i'm excited. sooo excited! :)
tomorrow i have my last midterm. it's in comm 118. i'm a bit nervous just cause i want to do well. and because i haven't studied yet. and because kelly wants me to hang out with her and these boys tonight. so NO sleep tonight. or tomorrow for that fact. or this weekend either!
shit.
ANYWAY...last night was the mountain goats. and honestly...it was amazing. i just wish that i had eaten yesterday so that i didn't feel like shit when i saw them. but honestly. so amazing. he would whisper and sing so quietly into the mic. and so EVERYONE in the place would go DEAD quiet. i've never been in a music hall with that amount of people, and have it be THAT quiet. it was seriously the most amazing feeling ever. and soo much passion. sooo much energy and effort. so great. so great. i'm so glad i saw them. so glad.
current mood:  cheerful
current music: The Mountain Goats ~ This Year
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, October 13th, 2005
| |
12:42 pm - i need your here tonight, just like the ocean needs the waves
|
man...why am i in love?
i don't mind it at all. in fact i love this feeling. but i only love the feeling when he talks to me. because i know he's in love with someone else...so i'm just that 'girl' longing to be with him. and probably will never...
but i'd rather be in this situation, than falling for some lame guy here.
i've learned that one fast the past few days.
remind me never to get drunk, make out with a hardcore boy, then have my rookie hook up with him the next day. that was freshman year. i'm done with that.
i'm holding out for something better. and he's in maine.
current mood: scared
current music: Mae ~ The Ocean
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 26th, 2005
| |
10:11 pm - a walk through hell
|
And if i could swim I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if was blessed i walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving sunken chest.
Because they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams.
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you and the gut you and you give in.
And if i was brave I'd climb up to you on the mountain.
They led you to drink from their fountain spouting lies.
And i'd slay the horrible beast they commisioned
To steer me away from my mission to your eyes,
And i'd stand there like a soldier with my foot upon his chest.
With my grin spread and my arms out in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me I'd remind you who you are under their shell.
I'd walk through hell for you. Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Let the torturing ensue. My soul is useless without you
And if they sent a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born.
Now, I've walked through hell for you,
what's an adventurer to do
but rest these feet at home with you
that's all i have to say.
current mood:  tired
current music: Say Anything ~ A Walk Through Hell
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
| |
12:13 am - lame, i know.
|
i feel like going for a drive, to maine. skipping the rest of the week. going to maine. be with katie. and get my test done.
i've been in pretty much a huge amount of pain lately. i'm nervous that something's wrong. but it might just be my imagination. as usual. because we all know how i look into things too much.
katie's parents are selling her house. she's torn apart. i feel terrible that i can't be there for her. i'm only 3 hours away...and i can't be there. saturday's a night game...so it's not like i can go home this weekend.
i love being here in amherst. but i love maine. with all my heart. and the people. all the people.
i've been listening to say anything and feeling left out nonstop these past few weeks...
nothing's helping me get a grasp on life.
everyone's about going out...and all i can think about is wanting to stay in...watch a movie...and wait for something.
lame, i know.
current mood:  gloomy
current music: Encino Man
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, September 9th, 2005
| |
11:35 pm - aaaagain
|
am i seriously this lame to have fallen for this again?
apparently so.
current mood: emo
current music: Feeling Left Out ~ Unspoken Word
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
| |
9:38 pm - tomorrow's the first day of the rest of my life.
|
classes start tomorrow. and tomorrow i'm going to deliver papers for the first time. (hopefully) so yeah. mondays and wednesdays are by far my busiest days. non stop from 1115 to 630. yeah... but thursdays will rock. one class right before band.
but yeah. i'm excited about papers. yeah it's early. but they say it's easy money. i'm into that.
tonight, 10 pm on ESPN 2...DCI FINALS!
i'm excited!
i'm nervous about tomorrow though. classes and all. they are ALL IN THOMPSON! except for spanish which is in barlett. so i'm not worried about NOT finding my place. i'm worried about food, falling asleep, paying attention, getting lost (in class), and being over whelmed. wednesday is a hard day to have first.
spanish, food science, com 118, hist 151, then band. all tomorrow, and mondays. thursday com 121 and band. friday spanish, history, com 118, break, band. tuesday, food discussion, break, break, com 121, band.
17 credits. two jobs (hopefully). and band. plus hopefully headed to maine as often as i can.
this semester might rip me apart. so hold on to me. and don't let it happen to you.
current mood: anxious
current music: Say Anything ~ Admit It!!!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
| |
8:04 pm - wireless internet is pretty great.
|
finally have all my shit down here in my apartment. room's all set up. just have a few minor things to put away and organize. and i have to clean. like REALLY clean. that's all for tomorrow.
i'm pretty excited about how all this is all working out. my parents and uncle came today. they set up my bed and desk and computer. and all that. and my mom took me and katie out and we picked up so much shit. i got a vaccuum for the apartment, cleaning stuff, drawers, new futon cover, a rug for the closet, and bunches of other stuff. my mom was so cool about it all.
i really want maine people to come down here. like rory and k to the d and heather and jamie and marina. this place is just really rad and i want to share it with everyone.
i'm really excited to relax this evening. sleep in tomorrow and all. camp was hell and i want to sleep. and dream.
well i'm going to put some comfy clothes on.
They've got the army of ears; they can’t hear you now
I got the piss in my veins in these furrowed brows
You've got this one last change to burn me, turn me down
If not I’ve got these last 12 bucks to spend on you
You can take me anywhere your sick mind wants to
Use yourself to fuel me using you
I hear
"Hey, hey, hey, hey come pollinate me"
"Hey, hey, hey, hey come pollinate me, hey"
Across the room, across the room, I hope to watch you writhe again soon.
Across the room, across the room, I hope to watch you writhe again soon.
current mood: cheerful
current music: Say Anything ~ The Writhing South
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
| |
7:22 am - get off the line, time to fly. oh the summertime.
|
i have never felt more sad and happy at the same time in my entire life.
it's nice to be headed to amherst to my apartment with my girls who make me laugh. but it's sad to leave maine again, where i have some of the most amazing friends ever.
i feel like i'm a person split in two. half of me belongs here, and half of me belongs there. where do they meet? i don't know.
i've been so stressed out. i had an anxiety attack this morning, why? because i woke up 15 minutes late. it's like the littlest thing is setting me off now.
i need to pack my car, TRY and eat something, and start driving.
this summer, is for sure in my top 5 favorite summers. the past 2 or 3 weeks have been some of the best in my life. just as i'm finally happy in maine, i need to leave. just as i'm finally finding out what i need, i have to leave.
saying goodbye for the first time is so hard...but now...it's easier, yet even harder. i've seen katie every summer and i say bye to her more than any of my friends. but it's like, she's one of the hardest people for me to say goodbye to. saying goodbye to katie and jamie last night...was so difficult. and saying goodbye to rory last night...was heartbreaking. we've finally started hanging out again, and now i need to leave.
i'm so thankful that he stopped by last night. i was panicing...and my family was not helping me settle down. i'm so glad that i got to see him again. and katie and jamie stopping by...i needed that. i need their hugs.
i need to load my car.
current mood:  blank
current music: Mae ~ Summertime
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 22nd, 2005
| |
1:15 pm - all i've eaten the past two days is chinese food...
|
oh man...like less than 48 hours left before i leave. i'm nervous. sad. and hopeful.
today i have an appointment at 330. some more packing and stuff. then dinner at rory's.
working in the morning. then finish packing. and running around southern maine dropping off marina's birthday gift, and hopefully getting my costume from dj. maybe see roner if he's not gone yet, and maybe see knate. then katie and jamie are stoppying by to say bye.
wednesday, leaving here around 1030/11 at the latest.
i love this feeling. it's suck a mix of emotions. i love feeling too many things at once, so that i don't focus on one thing too much.
i feel that maybe things will look up this semester.
current mood:  full
current music: Days of Our Lives
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 20th, 2005
| |
3:19 pm - i can't take my eyes off of you
|
this past week has been amazing. i've been working like 6 or 7 hours a day (which is good for this office). i've been staying up late with my friends (thus getting only 4 hours of sleep a night). but i don't mind. because i love my friends. i do.
roner's back from DETRIOT for a few days. so i've been seeing some of him. becca and i bet he'll hook up with 4 or 5 girls while he's here. well becca says 7...
we'll see.
there are a few things i'm going to miss from this summer. the lake, rory, katie, my bed, kenny, and free food. in that order. there are more things, tons more, but that's all that's on my mind right now.
i wish today was a nice beach day...i don't like the rain on my last few days.
i want school to start. but i don't want to go through camp. that's what's making me holding back from going to umass. and a couple other things.
i over analyze everything still. last night was an obvious example of that. i need to have more life experiences. that's what i've concluded.
today's heather's birthday. i hope she likes her present. i'm going to the apartment later tonight to celebrate. no work tomorrow...so i'm staying up late. might not drink, because i'm sure it'll be weird being around people i don't know all that well.
there are still things i want to do before i leave. still people i want to see. still a few sleepless nights i'm awaiting.
current mood: content
current music: Damien Rice ~ Blower's Daughter
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 5th, 2005
| |
5:08 pm - gorham happenings
|
moved jamie into her new apartment in gorham. so great. 1200 a month, 2 baths, 3ish beds, basement, kitchen to die for, laundry room, nice dining room, huge living room, and amazing wood floors. so great. and so i was putting together jamie's desk one night. and katie and heather went to ghop. saw marina and naomi there drunk off their asses.
turns out james montgomery lives right across the street from jamie! crazy! so katie and heather came back. told me they saw them. i go outside looking for them. and there they are, walking back. stowe had just pulled up. we all go into james' place. hang out and stuff. it was fun! i leave. head back to jamie's then drive away. pass by james' place, see a cop car there. so i left just in time.
but marina told me that stowe's having people over tonight. so i have to get a hold of her and find out when. cause i just woke up from a nap, and i need food and a shower.
worked 29 hours this week. woohoo. so hot out.
current mood: drained
current music: look who's talking
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 31st, 2005
| |
9:49 pm - pee pee
|
so i went to amherst yesterday. got back just now.
eventful. everyone was happy to see me, but not as happy as i was to see them.
i love my new apartment. good times to be had. it needs a cleaning though.
went to bed last night on the floor. woke up to schneebly passed half on top of me, pants off, and peeing. that's right. i got peed on. fucking asshole. i was so pissed.
now it's funny though.
my first night in my new apartment, and i get peed on. this is what's to come.
if you want details on every moment. just call me. oh boy...there's some good shit.
current mood: exhausted
current music: Say Anything ~ The Writhing South
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 25th, 2005
| |
6:45 pm - wedding crashers.
|
soo sunburnt on my face. hurts a lot.
yesterday was the irish american club picnic. fun stuff. volunteered and helped out with the kids games. so i got a few community service hours in. i should really add up how many i have since summer's almost over...
i want to see some movies before i head back. dark water, wedding crashers, march of the penguins, bad news bears...there were more but i can't remember them right now.
well katie and i are going to see wedding crashers. WOOHOO! :)
current mood:  sunburnt
current music: Frou Frou ~ Hear Me Out
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
yourprivateeye's journal